God uses every circumstance in our lives to either bring us to repentance or to drive us from Him, whether for a while or forever. He has used every experience I have blogged about to show up some hidden sin in my own life. The sin of pride, the sin of unforgiveness, the sin of exacting a price for my forgiveness when God forgave me all of my sins without payment from me (for we know that we can never repay this debt, we live a life of thankfulness and praise for the rest of our lives), the sin of always questioning authority and not submitting. He has shown me that when I refuse to submit to the authority of my boss at work, my minister and elders and my husband I am REFUSING to submit to HIM! This refusal to submit then causes all sorts of other problems in my life and all sorts of sinful behaviors sprout from that one refusal. After all, who put those people in their positions? If we believe, as I do that my loving heavenly Father orders ALL things, then it logically follows that He has ordered the circumstances in my life, whether it be at work, at home or in church. I MUST come to the belief that this is so! So long as I fight it I am stating my own unbelief. So therefore if I disagree with something my pastor says or my boss at work requires of me and I take it to the authority over that person and the higher authority rules that my complaint is without foundation, I must submit to that and trust God for that decision. At bottom, top and all through the issue, GOD is in control. HE is the ONE who has caused the circumstance to be! HE has done it for my good and HIS glory! HIS will is perfect! If I become angry with a boss or elder or my husband because of a decision made, it is not a reflection of how unfair that person is....it is a reflection of my own sin and unwillingness to submit to the will of GOD!
Now about my disclaimer....This post (and truly all of my posts) refers to ME and to MY own experiences and the things that I am learning. It refers to the shift in attitude that God has brought about in my life, the changes that He has caused in my walk with Him, in my relationship with my family and in the way I view the happenings at work and try to deal with them in a way that will bring glory to God. I am excited about the changes God has wrought in me! I am thankful for the way He has shown me that true submission also brings true freedom, true joy and true thanksgiving.
Am I stating that I am without sin? HEAVEN FORBID! I know the state of my heart and I still do get angry, I still do question God at times. But through all of the events of my life He is bringing me a joy and peace that I could have never imagined! And at rock bottom that joy and peace come from learning to submit daily to the things God has ordained in my life. The second piece of the puzzle is that God has shown me through the circumstances of my life to be thankful for ALL of those circumstances. Will I stumble in the future? I can guarantee that the answer will be yes! But by the grace of God, the Holy Spirit will convict my heart and bring me to repentance. God is faithful when we are not! He always keeps His covenant!
God just keeps on winnowing and showing me even those secret sins to which I have become attached. He keeps on bringing them to my eyes and turning me to repentance. To some this will be offensive. It is not intended in that fashion. This blog contains the thoughts and ramblings of a joyous daughter of Christ sharing her journey and that is how it will continue.
I cannot contain my joy for the things God is doing in my life!
Till next time....
Monday, August 31, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
A New School Year
Well, we finished our first week of school with kids. The vibe has been so different this year than in years past. The administrators all have such a positive, upbeat attitude and it is filtering down to the students. The first day back each student got a blue Buffalo t-shirt to wear every Friday. The kids were all so excited! It was really neat to see that sea of blue all over the school yesterday. The atmosphere was great. I am so excited. This school is getting back on track after many years. We also got word that our school is receiving a BEST grant (if it's funded) to build a new school. That will be exciting as well. I will be getting a NEW library! No more being stuck in half a modular with no bathroom! Wow!
I am looking at these kids at school and I know that for some of them the only smiling faces they will see are the ones they see at school. For some of them, I may be the only person who is happy to see them. The meals at school may be the only hot meals they get, even the only meals of the day for them. When they get snarly and mean with me I need to remember that for some of them school is their only haven and I need to show them my own joy. I need to remember that even the ones with new clothes and enough to eat may be on their 3rd or 4th step parent and that brings its own pain. I need to be patient with them and longsuffering. AND I need to maintain this attitude all year, even when I am tired. This is all part of showing them what it means to be a Christian. Please pray for me as I try, with the help of the Holy Spirit, to do this.
Till next time...
I am looking at these kids at school and I know that for some of them the only smiling faces they will see are the ones they see at school. For some of them, I may be the only person who is happy to see them. The meals at school may be the only hot meals they get, even the only meals of the day for them. When they get snarly and mean with me I need to remember that for some of them school is their only haven and I need to show them my own joy. I need to remember that even the ones with new clothes and enough to eat may be on their 3rd or 4th step parent and that brings its own pain. I need to be patient with them and longsuffering. AND I need to maintain this attitude all year, even when I am tired. This is all part of showing them what it means to be a Christian. Please pray for me as I try, with the help of the Holy Spirit, to do this.
Till next time...
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Whatsoever Things Are Good
Well, school has started for another year for me! I am so excited for it! Last year was a difficult year at school. There was so much negativity, grumbling and dissatisfaction among the staff that it was hard some days to be there. Two teachers were let go during the school year and that caused a lot of upheaval. Both were tenured so several staff members were very unhappy about that. But they were changes that needed to be made. We had HUGE staff turnover this year. We only had one middle school teacher returning. But these are all good things. Last week was the week when all staff came back to school for meetings, room preparation, etc., getting ready for kids to come in on Monday. The atmosphere was totally different. This is not to say that there are not pockets of dissatisfaction but it is not pervading the staff.
There has been a real push on the part of our administrative team to squash the grumbling when it begins. There is a push to encourage those who are satisfied to stand up to the grumblers and rebuke them. It works! They may still be grumbling but they are not grumbling to me! The grumbling in the staff work room has diminished significantly. It is SO encouraging!
I have noticed that when you complain and grumble and are generally not thankful for the blessings God has given you, you attract other grumblers and complainers. Soon that is all you can think about; those grievances, slights and wounds. You can't think about the good things in your own life and the way God has blessed even in times of trials. Once you turn the corner and begin to think on those good things and dwell on the many blessings of our faithful Lord, you have a hard time complaining!
I have seen it in the school where I work and in my own church family and here at home. When we complain and pout and generally act like a pill, we make ourselves miserable. Then of course we want to blame others for our own stinky attitude. "Well he shouldn't have done that, said that, acted that way to me". "It's his fault (or her's) and I shouldn't have to be the one to reconcile". I have been doing a lot of thinking about the "good things" lately. I look back on those difficult years right after my husband was fired from his last ranch job and thankfully God has brought me to a place where I can see His hand in all of it and can see the blessings of losing the job, having a business partner who left us holding a mountain of debt, and all of the other things that happened during that time. I also see how He uses the faithful preaching of His word and the fellowship of the saints to bring us to repentance if we belong to Him.
This is why He did tell us to think on those things that are good. When our heart dwells on the good things, we can experience the joy of our salvation. When we dwell on the "bad" things we rob ourselves of that joy.
It is with a joyful and a thankful heart that I say,
Till next time...
There has been a real push on the part of our administrative team to squash the grumbling when it begins. There is a push to encourage those who are satisfied to stand up to the grumblers and rebuke them. It works! They may still be grumbling but they are not grumbling to me! The grumbling in the staff work room has diminished significantly. It is SO encouraging!
I have noticed that when you complain and grumble and are generally not thankful for the blessings God has given you, you attract other grumblers and complainers. Soon that is all you can think about; those grievances, slights and wounds. You can't think about the good things in your own life and the way God has blessed even in times of trials. Once you turn the corner and begin to think on those good things and dwell on the many blessings of our faithful Lord, you have a hard time complaining!
I have seen it in the school where I work and in my own church family and here at home. When we complain and pout and generally act like a pill, we make ourselves miserable. Then of course we want to blame others for our own stinky attitude. "Well he shouldn't have done that, said that, acted that way to me". "It's his fault (or her's) and I shouldn't have to be the one to reconcile". I have been doing a lot of thinking about the "good things" lately. I look back on those difficult years right after my husband was fired from his last ranch job and thankfully God has brought me to a place where I can see His hand in all of it and can see the blessings of losing the job, having a business partner who left us holding a mountain of debt, and all of the other things that happened during that time. I also see how He uses the faithful preaching of His word and the fellowship of the saints to bring us to repentance if we belong to Him.
This is why He did tell us to think on those things that are good. When our heart dwells on the good things, we can experience the joy of our salvation. When we dwell on the "bad" things we rob ourselves of that joy.
It is with a joyful and a thankful heart that I say,
Till next time...
Friday, August 7, 2009
Grandma's House
My memories of visits when I was small make the building look big from the outside. But every time I visit , the building shrinks, along with my grandmother's mind. My grandmother has Alzheimer's disease, and she lives in a nursing home.
My mother and I walk through the two doors that lead to the commons area and look around the room for my grandmother. No matter how many times I visit, it always seems like I'm seeing the rooms for the first time. On my right is a desk and a corridor of rooms. The bathrooms and three of the offices are on this side. There is a row of chairs along the north wall between the bathrooms and the office on that side, right beside a fish tank with two goldfish. Straight ahead is a small corridor that ends at the dining room. On the left side are two rows of chairs and an office, and two clean rooms with a corridor in between the chair rows. There are usually patients sitting in the chairs and the patients in wheelchairs are lined up in front of the desk.
We find my grandmother in front of the desk. We walk over to her and lean over to kiss her. She smiles a smile of recognition to us both; who she thinks we are, I don't know. After our brief greeting, I get behind her chair and push her to the dining room, and we take my grandmother to a table so we can sit and talk. The dining room is a large room with tables placed throughout so that the patients can eat together. Along the walls are semi-circular tables so a nurse can sit in the middle and feed patients who can no longer feed themselves. The kitchen is to the right with the door and the window always open. To the right of the kitchen is a small center with a sink, an ice machine, coffee machines, napkins and glasses. We sit at a table close to the middle of the room. While my mother is talking to my grandmother, I decide to walk around.
I walk down each of the corridors. As I walk by, I glance into each room with an open door. They are all decorated differently, each side a reflection of what the occupants are, or used to be. Some of the people are in their rooms. Usually, the ones in their rooms are moaning. These are the patients who sit and moan all the time. The nurses come check on them very often.
I go back to the dining room and sit beside my grandma. She and mother talk for a little while longer, then Mom says something about how we have a long way to drive and should be getting home. We then ask grandma where she wants to go, and we push her there. We go out to the car and head for home.
I am sad to think that this may be the last visit to the nursing home that we make, but yet I know that we will again drive up and meet my grandma for the very first time.
My sister wrote this in 1993 about my mother's mother. I don't know how long my sister knew Grandma before the effects of the Alzheimers worsened. Grandma was diagnosed just a few years after my sister was born in 1975. This piece was published in "Grasslands Anthology", issue #16 in 1993. It touched my heart. When I think of Grandma's house I think of the house in Flagler, Grandma's beautiful yard, their patio, sleeping upstairs with all of my cousins (Grandma coming up at least 3 times to tell us to be quiet and get to sleep), walking to the Stop n' Shop grocery store to get Grandma's groceries, walking to the pool to swim in the summer, walking to the town park to play (by ourselves!), riding bikes around town, really too many memories to list them all!
When I read this I realized that my sister probably did not have those same memories. I can't remember when Grandma went into the nursing home. I do remember that it was such a hard year. We had a stillborn child, my dad's mother had to go into an assisted care facility and Mom's mother had to go into the nursing home.
The thing I remember the most about Grandma's time in the nursing home was how she ALWAYS remembered who my Grandpa was. I went in with Grandpa several times and when she would see him, her whole countenance would light up and she would say, "Lee D., where have you been?" When anyone visited with her she would ask about Grandpa. I have seen others who forgot their spouses and it always amazed me that she remembered Grandpa.
When Grandpa died, we didn't know whether to tell her or not. We were told to tell her once and then just let it drop and if she asked about him just sort of change the subject. My mother, uncle and aunt went to the nursing home and told her. When they told her, she cried a little bit but she never asked about Grandpa again.
When the wedding vows talk about til death do us part (or however that goes), I think of Grandpa and Grandma and watching their love for each other.
Til next time...
My mother and I walk through the two doors that lead to the commons area and look around the room for my grandmother. No matter how many times I visit, it always seems like I'm seeing the rooms for the first time. On my right is a desk and a corridor of rooms. The bathrooms and three of the offices are on this side. There is a row of chairs along the north wall between the bathrooms and the office on that side, right beside a fish tank with two goldfish. Straight ahead is a small corridor that ends at the dining room. On the left side are two rows of chairs and an office, and two clean rooms with a corridor in between the chair rows. There are usually patients sitting in the chairs and the patients in wheelchairs are lined up in front of the desk.
We find my grandmother in front of the desk. We walk over to her and lean over to kiss her. She smiles a smile of recognition to us both; who she thinks we are, I don't know. After our brief greeting, I get behind her chair and push her to the dining room, and we take my grandmother to a table so we can sit and talk. The dining room is a large room with tables placed throughout so that the patients can eat together. Along the walls are semi-circular tables so a nurse can sit in the middle and feed patients who can no longer feed themselves. The kitchen is to the right with the door and the window always open. To the right of the kitchen is a small center with a sink, an ice machine, coffee machines, napkins and glasses. We sit at a table close to the middle of the room. While my mother is talking to my grandmother, I decide to walk around.
I walk down each of the corridors. As I walk by, I glance into each room with an open door. They are all decorated differently, each side a reflection of what the occupants are, or used to be. Some of the people are in their rooms. Usually, the ones in their rooms are moaning. These are the patients who sit and moan all the time. The nurses come check on them very often.
I go back to the dining room and sit beside my grandma. She and mother talk for a little while longer, then Mom says something about how we have a long way to drive and should be getting home. We then ask grandma where she wants to go, and we push her there. We go out to the car and head for home.
I am sad to think that this may be the last visit to the nursing home that we make, but yet I know that we will again drive up and meet my grandma for the very first time.
My sister wrote this in 1993 about my mother's mother. I don't know how long my sister knew Grandma before the effects of the Alzheimers worsened. Grandma was diagnosed just a few years after my sister was born in 1975. This piece was published in "Grasslands Anthology", issue #16 in 1993. It touched my heart. When I think of Grandma's house I think of the house in Flagler, Grandma's beautiful yard, their patio, sleeping upstairs with all of my cousins (Grandma coming up at least 3 times to tell us to be quiet and get to sleep), walking to the Stop n' Shop grocery store to get Grandma's groceries, walking to the pool to swim in the summer, walking to the town park to play (by ourselves!), riding bikes around town, really too many memories to list them all!
When I read this I realized that my sister probably did not have those same memories. I can't remember when Grandma went into the nursing home. I do remember that it was such a hard year. We had a stillborn child, my dad's mother had to go into an assisted care facility and Mom's mother had to go into the nursing home.
The thing I remember the most about Grandma's time in the nursing home was how she ALWAYS remembered who my Grandpa was. I went in with Grandpa several times and when she would see him, her whole countenance would light up and she would say, "Lee D., where have you been?" When anyone visited with her she would ask about Grandpa. I have seen others who forgot their spouses and it always amazed me that she remembered Grandpa.
When Grandpa died, we didn't know whether to tell her or not. We were told to tell her once and then just let it drop and if she asked about him just sort of change the subject. My mother, uncle and aunt went to the nursing home and told her. When they told her, she cried a little bit but she never asked about Grandpa again.
When the wedding vows talk about til death do us part (or however that goes), I think of Grandpa and Grandma and watching their love for each other.
Til next time...
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Submission
We had such a good sermon on Sunday and it was especially valuable to me. We've been going through the book of 1st Samuel. It has been so interesting to see the disobedience of the Israelites and of Saul and to equate it with things that have been going on in my own life. Last Sunday pastor talked about how obedience shows faith and disobedience shows a lack of faith. Looking back I can see that in all of the times that I have been disobedient to the will of God it has been through lack of faith. When I don't submit to my husband it is because I don't trust that God will work His will through him. When I refuse to submit to the circumstances in my life it is because I am not believing that God will use them for my good and His glory. Always that unwillingness to submit and obey comes from lack of faith.
There has been one glaring instance of my unwillingness to submit here lately and that is in the case of the people who left our fellowship. I kept thinking that something I could say in my blog would somehow heal the rift. I was trying to be the Holy Spirit and convict hearts when it is God's will that things are as they are right now. Between the sermon on Sunday and several other things that happened over the weekend, I realized that I must submit to these circumstances. I need to obey and move on and allow the Spirit to use these things in my own life and turn away from the sinful areas of my own life.
I know in my own life He has shown me my own unwillingness to forgive others and through these circumstances has begun to cause me to repent. He has shown that the submission to my husband at times was only a surface submission and not real. I am beginning to learn what true submission to my husband looks like. He is showing me that not only in our church family, but in the events at work and in the world, He is in complete control. My boss at work, my husband's work, our coworkers, the lives of our children are all in His hands. He has ordered all of these things for my good and His glory.
The circumstances of our lives always either soften our hearts and bring us to repentance or harden them and drive us further from fellowship with the Lord and other believers. This, too is for my good and His glory. I am thankful for all of the circumstances that we have lived through in our lives. God has used them to bring us to repentance, He has filled our hearts with thankfulness and has brought us all closer to each other.
Our congregation, my family and I are right where we need to be right now. I know that all of the turmoil in our body was for our good and His glory and thank Him for it. I thank Him for all of it!
Till next time...
There has been one glaring instance of my unwillingness to submit here lately and that is in the case of the people who left our fellowship. I kept thinking that something I could say in my blog would somehow heal the rift. I was trying to be the Holy Spirit and convict hearts when it is God's will that things are as they are right now. Between the sermon on Sunday and several other things that happened over the weekend, I realized that I must submit to these circumstances. I need to obey and move on and allow the Spirit to use these things in my own life and turn away from the sinful areas of my own life.
I know in my own life He has shown me my own unwillingness to forgive others and through these circumstances has begun to cause me to repent. He has shown that the submission to my husband at times was only a surface submission and not real. I am beginning to learn what true submission to my husband looks like. He is showing me that not only in our church family, but in the events at work and in the world, He is in complete control. My boss at work, my husband's work, our coworkers, the lives of our children are all in His hands. He has ordered all of these things for my good and His glory.
The circumstances of our lives always either soften our hearts and bring us to repentance or harden them and drive us further from fellowship with the Lord and other believers. This, too is for my good and His glory. I am thankful for all of the circumstances that we have lived through in our lives. God has used them to bring us to repentance, He has filled our hearts with thankfulness and has brought us all closer to each other.
Our congregation, my family and I are right where we need to be right now. I know that all of the turmoil in our body was for our good and His glory and thank Him for it. I thank Him for all of it!
Till next time...
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Waiting On the Lord Part lll
My last post was offensive and I wanted to apologize to those I offended. I was trying to express my sorrow and impatience over a reconciliation and restoration that hasn't happened yet and I did it poorly. I was trying to express my own sinfulness in not being willing to forgive others at times and I did it poorly. I was trying to express my excitement and joy about a wedding and the wish I have for those young people who are getting married and for a joyful day for them and their parents and I did it poorly.
For those offences, I ask forgiveness and pray to do better in expressing myself the next time.
Till next time...
For those offences, I ask forgiveness and pray to do better in expressing myself the next time.
Till next time...
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